Facing My Mistake

Because of beliefs, I continued in my bad marriage. No friends knew about his actions in my marriage, because I wanted him to be liked by others if I could fix the marriage. Thus, I let no one know what was happening. It was now time to step forward and do something!  I considered divorce. It was okay for others to get a divorce, but not me.  Never! I had to let go of my belief about myself not ever divorcing.

The stress and pain in this marriage was awful.  My self worth was diminishing.   I was having insomnia for the first time in my life. I knew Don died loving us.  I thought my second husband would be like that. After marrying, I felt no love.  I could tell when he lied.  He denied that he was on dates, but I could not prove it.  I began reacting before thinking. Sometimes I could sit on my front steps, feel where he was, and drive right up to his car. I threw a huge bowl of popcorn on him once.  (Guess who cleaned it up?) I threw a glass of water on him when we were eating out and could care less if someone saw me do it or heard what I said.  I did not clean it up. I went home. None of this behavior was like me. Both children told me that I was not even the same person their mother had been. 

 This marriage brought wisdom. Lessons that came to earth for me to learn had been presented mildly in my first marriage.  In this marriage, they were magnified ten fold. Eventually I discovered some past beliefs were no longer mine. In my past, I had book knowledge. This marriage was bringing experiences showing me what I needed to know.

Suddenly I saw what I did not see before. Many of the negatives in my first marriage were presented much larger in the second marriage. Don and I made it seventeen years, including his six years of health problems, his two leave of absences for campaigns, community theatre productions plus work, and taking care of two great children still at home.  I made that marriage work, but this one?  I could do nothing right.

GIFT:  I thought about Jesus healing the blind man.  I began to “see” as I woke up and went on a search for my truth, not someone else’s truth that I had heard. Others that meant well in my life had programmed me for years. It was time to know my “own” truths, what I now believed and did not believe. I discovered Al-Anon and a serene calmness was entering me.

LESSON:  I learned I was an unhealthy codependent and needed help.

One thought on “Facing My Mistake”

  1. Can you be more specific about the content of your article? After reading it, I still have some doubts. Hope you can help me.

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